Category: News and Views
Ladies of Landover member Mrs. Taffy Davenport-Gaines Crockett, visiting the Landover
Christian Pharmacy recently to refill the church tract display, happened upon a shocking
sight. A young woman was visibly upset and arguing loudly with pharmacist Emma Mae
Martin. What Mrs. Crockett discovered next sickened her unto the point of nausea.
"The young woman was trying to buy tampons," Mrs. Crockett said, barely able to hold
back tears. "I snatched that girl by the hair and pulled her outside... there were
children present! Can you imagine how they'd be damaged by hearing such evil ideas?"
“I explained to this young lady that we do not carry such phallic devices as tampons
and when attending to her monthly curse," Mrs. Martin said, adding that "Satan himself
controls the manufacturing of those things." The young woman then began to verbally
abuse her, she said.
"A Godly woman is only to use a Maxi-Pad," Mrs. Crockett stated. "Why, they even
have them with little angel wings now! I handed her a box and told her unless she
wanted my handprint across her face she was never to utter that evil T word again!”
The as yet unidentified woman then fled the store in humiliation. Landover Security
sketch artists are preparing a likeness to aid in identifying the young woman. Her
salvation status is unknown, but based on this event, it is likely she is Hellbound.
"Toxic Shock Syndrome is God's way of punishing unsaved harlots who choose Satan’s
cotton fingers over a Godly pad," Pastor Deacon Fred stated upon hearing of the event.
"These playthings of Satan are created under the guise of a ladies hygiene product
to bring unsuspecting women and young girls to the fold of the Devil."
Church members are commanded to talk to your teen-age daughters, and search their
rooms if you have to. "Souls are at stake and God is taking names," added Pastor
Wiley.
Mrs. Crockett has organized the Ladies of Landover Phone Bank to spread the word,
and has called for both a letter writing protest campaign and a boycott on all stores
who are found to carry these satanic sexual devices. Manufacturers who create such
vile products will also be targeted for salvation, or, failing that, closure.
Mrs. Crockett has secured six 24-foot trucks for use in her new ministry, "Stop Satan
From Pulling The Strings." She and the other
Ladies of Landover
plan a nationwide tour, going city to city, pulling what she calls "The Devil's
delight" from store shelves once clerks are distracted. Upon the ladies' return,
Mrs. Crockett plans a large bonfire.
“We shall pray over the flames as we watch these evil devices go back to the fiery
pits of hell from whence they came,” Mrs. Crockett said during her church news conference,
adding, "these things are created by Satan for pleasure, and young women are succumbing
to the Devil without even realizing it. This is one battle Satan will NOT win!" Her
statements drew a standing ovation from the congregation.
All church members are encouraged to join in the BBQ and bring a covered dish as
we celebrate yet another Victory over Satan. Marshmallows for roasting over the bonfire
will be provided by
The Ladies of Landover
. Due to the nature of this event, the roasting of hot dogs will be prohibited for
obvious reasons.
*laughing* Oh my gosh! That is so messed up! I hardly know what to say to this. If anyone's sick it's that group of people that is making a big deal about the tampons and saying that toxic shock syndrome is God's way of punishing those who wear them. I don't use them, but I doubt tampons are sexually pleasurable anyway. I wonder if they would think getting a gynocological exam (to check for cancer) is Satan's work as well. If they would go as far as to say a totally hygenically-based object is evil, I hate to know what other simple things would supposedly condemn someone to Hell. ... *shakes head* That's just crazy.
Jesus I couldn't stop laughing while reading this. I actually thought this was a joke at first. Just shows how far some religious people will actually go.
Ah man, sigh..... I can certainly say I'm going to hell... I can also certainly say that I've truely heard it all now. rofl!!! What a load of bullshit!!! Tampons? Sexually pleasurable? Do me a fuckin' favour?
it's funny, but it's scary! some people need to wake up and get a life. it's amazing how influencial a good emotional argument can be when presented well. a standing ovation from the church community? that's seriously messed up.
She fled the store in humiliation? Man! Girl! Keep on fleeing!
People scare me.
Suddenly I'm hungry for a hot dog. And, hmm, what did I do with those evil tampons. LOL
Welcome to the return of the middle ages.
These people are certainly scary.
Maybe they should try spray-on condoms--over their lips.
Bob
Maybe all of you should Google for Landover Baptist Church to verify if it's a joke or not.
wow. This was really funny in the beginning but to echo another post, by the end it was quite disturbing. What the hell man... These people have potential to teach and do some dangerous shit.
To think all this time men have been wasting large sums of cash on things like vibraters when all along all you needed to do was buy your significant other a box of tampons for pleasure! Thank you saten!
now vibrating tampons, they would be good. or is that bad. ah well either way I'd be in hevin till the devil came to take me to hell.
lol! Makes me wonder if the etymology of the word tampon has anything to do with evil or satan. But seriously, if these women think they're doing a good work, then obviously they're not christians. True christians wouldn't set themselves up like this to be the subject of ridicule. I don't even think this is true. lol! But who knows, maybe they're really on to something there..Maybe, just maybe, who knows?
Actually, Landoverbaptist.com is a site by some disgruntaled guys who were at one time in a very legalistic college. The whole site is a joke, and to my knowledge, there are no real Christian groups against tampons.
Hmmm, I know Landover was nothing but parody, but I didn't know hte background. Guys, don't take it seriously.
LOL! Joke or not that is fantastic